How I Forgave My Rapist

The content of this post may be sensitive to some, but for me, addressing the things that make you the most uncomfortable and vulnerable is the most empowering.

That morning I woke up like any other. As I started my routine, out of nowhere a thought came to me..."tell him you forgive him". I went to the living room to grab my old phone with the text he'd sent me about a year ago apologizing--the same message that I had ignored and tried so hard to forget I'd even seen. Honestly, my heart raced and I was surprised at how nervous I was to type three short words: "I forgive you."

What Happened: About 2 years ago, my ex raped me. Two years before that, we were engaged to be married and he was my best friend. There was nothing I felt uncomfortable discussing with him. Even though we split, after several months we were able to move forward as friends and stayed in touch here and there. I was in town for another occasion and we'd planned to see each other and catch up while I was there. I didn't realize that the next time I would see him would be a turning point for the both of us.

The Aftermath: I felt so betrayed and like I was a horrible judge of character. How did I not see that he was capable of this? Over time, I tried to erase the whole thing from my mind. It brought on too many emotions I didn't want to deal with, anger and guilt being the strongest ones. He knew me and everything I had already been through and betrayed me in the worst way. A year later, all of those feeling resurfaced when he texted that apology (in addition to the apologies the night everything happened). I read it and quickly closed it and tried to forget I'd seen it. However, that was the moment that I knew I had to deal with it. I had to accept that it happened in a way that didn't make me feel like a victim. This was something I couldn't tackle alone. I needed God and the support of my closest friends and therapist to come to terms with how this had changed me. Just knowing that forgiveness is the right thing to do doesn't make it easy. I felt entitled to my anger--entitled to be unforgiving; but it only weighed me down over time. It wasn't always at the forefront of my thoughts, but the distrust and other negative feelings the memory came with were always present. I eventually felt like I forgave him--not getting angry at the thought of what happened. Returning to a sense of normality--but felt letting him know I did was too kind of a gesture. I wanted him to suffer, thinking I'm not over it and for him to feel guilty for what he had done.

Day of Closure: After I sent "I forgive you" I went on with my day and let my mind fill with other worries. I was very irritable that day but I never felt like it had anything to do with him. See, I'd been fasting. I was in week 2 of my fast and God had been beginning to show me things I'd been needing confirmation on. I had no idea what he had in store for me that day. He responded saying thank you and told me it meant a lot to him. After hours of silence, thinking that that was the closure needed to end whatever feelings were tied to the "incident," he asked an unexpected question: "What happened? What made you accept my apology today? I just prayed about this 2 days ago." Afterwards came a phone call that I'll probably never forget. He told me that he'd been feeling really bad since it all happened and that he knew since that day that anything bad that happened to him he deserved because of what he had done. He said he'd been going through a lot and that 2 days ago it was really heavy on his mind and heart and he'd prayed about it. He'd been asking God to forgive him, asking God for me to forgive him. He said that over the last 2 years he'd had his good days and bad, but the thought of what he'd done really bothered him so knowing that I forgave him really meant a lot. Now this is where many may disagree with me and not understand: I was filled with compassion for him. I was relieved that he didn't just move on from it and leave me to deal with the damage. That it had affected him as well. I told him that it wasn't my job to hold it against him or condemn him. It's between him and God. What I didn't say was that it meant a lot that he felt bad. The whole conversation was so genuine. In those awkwardly silent moments that we didn't know what to say, the nervousness in our voices, the fighting back of tears, it all just felt genuine and little did I know it was just what I needed to get me that much closer to what God has for me. It also set him closer to what God has for him. I'm completely convinced that because I was fasting and more sensitive to hearing what they Holy Spirit wanted me to do, it provided him with what he needed for his healing. I also want to be clear that I didn't just say I forgive you due to the passing of time but I had actually come to terms with it and understood that the baggage wasn't mine to carry. I'd been learning and understanding more about spirits and their role in the things that people do. Everyone is battling spirits. And knowing that made my anger for him disappear. He was someone who I'd loved and gotten to know and I wanted him to get healing. Maybe the incident opened his eyes to some things about himself that he didn't acknowledge before, but whatever the case, it was his burden to deal with. Although I had made peace with what happened, the Holy Spirit knew that HE needed to hear that. It was no longer about me and my pain, it was about his as well. God knew exactly what he needed and I'm just so thankful that I obeyed. After maneuvering through darkness and talking about how good God is, he asked if we could be friends again. I accepted the invitation. I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm sharing this because it's honest, and it truly shows the power of God and of forgiveness. The power of obedience. The beauty of being humble when you wrong someone and the selflessness of wanting someone else, even your rapist, to see the same goodness and healing of God that I have experienced. I feel so light--so relieved, so thankful and grateful at how God used this for the good of both parties involved. I'm grateful that this helped me to see him, not as a monster but a person. He is a child of God as well.

This isn't everyone's story--I'm so aware of that. Please don't think that this is my way of trying to glorify my own character or that I'm not acknowledging how difficult forgiveness is and that there are definitely people that will violate you, without conscience, and by our standards, don't deserve forgiveness. I'm sure I would have never been able to speak to, let alone hold a conversation with this man after this without GOD. Some have had it way worse than I--nevertheless the way God wrote my story is so beautiful and I hope my sharing helps someone to forgive.